WHAT A WASTE..

Re-branding has been seeping through the whole political dung heap for a while now, often under the guise of real restructuring... but in the main what has really been happening has been a complete waste of taxpayers money on new logos, new stationery, making government e-ready, etc etc. spin spin spin.. Look we're really busy restructuring.. what? we are supposed to deliver policy? No mate. Do something mate? Not me mate. I'm in New Labour. I mainly just talk about it.

Here's just one among a myriad of examples. Hold on tight to your seats as it gets extremely messy.

But first, switch on your speakers and click here if you want a nice soundtrack to the whole sad sorry affair.."

In a feat of mayhem mathematics when Gordon Brown came to power in 2007 he re-branded (sorry 're-structured') two government departments in the name of streamlining into three. See diagram below. The DES and DTI were re-divided into DCSF and DBERR with a third department created from the University and Skills functions (of DES) and Science and Innovation functions (of DTI) to be known as the Department for Innovation Universities and Skills, the DIUS.

Now DIUS went about their business getting ready their new logos, stationery, website, the mechanisms of modern government... getting exciting isn't it?


Everything was going to be different from hereon in. The country was heading into the brave new modern world of 'knowledge transfer', 'innovation', 'competitiveness', even 'advanced manufacturing'.. (Q: what do these spin concepts really cover?)

Only in June this year Gordon decided to stop the process, disband DIUS and create a new department.. the Department for Business Innovation and Skils.. clearly the University bit was getting in the way of acceptance by business.. surprise, surprise.

Trouble is DIUS has spent £953,911 on building their website alone and god knows how much more on the other goodies of empire building.. Leaks are coming out of the DIUS Commons Select Committee that the final bill for DIUS alone is around £7.1 million. And thats a minimum estimate.

Worryingly, this is just one story in the naked city of New Labour..

Continuous rebranding is clearly a waste of money. If politicans took the time to stick their head in the real world they'd notice business doesn't rebrand or restructure itself that often.

What has been happening in these latter days of the New Labour 'modernisation campaign' is a concentration on selling the product rather than having any decent product to sell. When you really dig deep it appears that most of it is generally about selling a con (spin) or wishlist rather than being based on anything solid. There appears to be a belief in the present government that if you say something often enough it will become true. And Gordon this week is repeatedly saying 'it's not over yet..' From where I'm sat he appears to have fallen foul of his own spin machine.

God Bless New Labour and all who sail in her.. only to the other side of the world please!

THE CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE..

I have had an entertaining yet mildly worrying exchange of emails with a friend of mine who runs a business not dissimilar to me.

He and hiw wife are now to have their second child, after rearing the first to 16 years old.

Our emails went something like this (the names have been changed to protect the guilty)..

>>From: A September 22, 2009
>>There's going to be a little addition to the (family) next March.
Yes, we are having a baby! F had the 12 week scan and all's well, so it's going to be a busy 2010 (actually make that 2010-2028!)
A

>>From: Polko September 22, 2009
>>Congratulations, and make that 2010 - 2031!!
Polko

>>From: A September 22, 2009
>>Maybe, but I reckon by 2028, that 99.9% of the population will be going to university and therefore our latest addition will have a free choice of decent jobs without the need for us to fund 3yrs drinking!
A

>>From: Polko September 22, 2009
>>I think you may be right. I even had a conversation with [my son] about the validity or otherwise of even getting a degree now that you can readily become a BA in Cultural Media Assorted World Studies easily enough. There is a strong argument for simply learning from those around you and start your own business at 15.. Get on with it whilst the others are mounting up their debts and forcing themselves to become wage slaves forever..
Polko

To put it another way.. University education gives you knowledge sure enough. But it doesn't provide much by way of attitudes and competencies that are then directly useful in the world of work. Through my day to day experience with plenty of people from diverse backgrounds in property, business and even to some extent the public sector, it is the people who have the right attitude and can readily apply modern competencies that get on and enjoy professional success - be that making money, managing people or organising organisations.

There will always be a need for core degree subjects - not many doctors, lawyers or civil engineers can get away without a College education I guess (but you know, some can!). For the rest isn't it what you do with it rather than what you know at the end that defines the benefits of a University education?

On the money side of things, as an economist I am familiar with all the econometric studies that show a positive return on a First Degree education and the even higher return to continuing this into Masters levels (the biggest leap in lifetime income potential is recorded there), but many of these studies are now being outmoded based as they are on old data series and a continuing structural shift in the modern labour market and skills demands of employers. The world is changing. And fast. There are now many disparities in income generating potential with plumbers and tradesmen often earning way in excess of somebody with a degree, even a good degree from a renowned University. And I personally know people in business who began very early, failed a few times, learned a lot and are now sat very comfortably indeed.


Just a thought.

And if you just can't be bothered click here and print out whichever degree certificate you want..

AUGMENTING REALITY..

Years ago (and it is years now) if you used a computer, you sat at your PC desk somewhere at work or at home and typed away, pushed your mouse around and generally enjoyed face-to-screen interaction. And that was it.

Early adopters or people who were always pushing boundaries then bought a webcam and in the late 90s a whole host of websites sprang up using cameras to show a virtual peep-hole into another users world (actually webcam sites were among the first things I was turned on by on the internet back in 90/91 when the web was little more than an academic network - in those days it was all weather cams and vending machines). I had lunch with a friend of mine last week and he told me he'd still got the webcam on a stick that we used to set up our first rooftop cam site in 1997.. fond memories..

Then came the rise of the notebook and portable was everything.

Then mobile cellphones appeared and data was inside them too, directions to the nearest pizza takeaway beamed direct into our hands wherever we may be.

And then we get to Augmented Reality, AR, a concept that started out in high end research in the early 90s, mostly engineering applications - overlaying data onto schematic drawings or photographs to label up parts, explore design adjustments, etc

These days augmented reality is fast becoming part of real reality, so much that most people haven't stopped to think about this. Layers of data and information are where it's at on mobile phones, Google Earth applications and even on adverts where computer generated images blend seamlessly with real world car adverts or children playing alongside animated characters on ads for crisps or drinks. In my business we could overlay data onto property development photos in an interactive format - now there's an idea! Kids know all this stuff already of course. Playstation and Wii cameras allow them to drop into the game as if their middle name was Tron (not that they know who he was!)


Eat your heart out Roger Rabbit!

So, where is it going? The marketing field is all over augmented reality, launching Doritos packs in Latin America with codes to a website where you upload your image and choose a Chilli Lover that then plays around on the image, gets stored on the website and even interacts with other's uploaded photos (click here). Car ads are liberally splattered with animated sections of cars, cut-away computer generated engine parts. In this world a company called Total Immersion are the undisputed kings - click here and take a look at an example if interested.. You'll be 'seeing' a lot more of them.

The best development I've seen (and best is a very very subjective word in this blog - see my final comments) is this: Mattel is using the same type of 3-D imaging augmented reality in “i-Tag” action figures for James Cameron’s new movie Avatar. The toy includes a card containing a marker, which is projected as a 3-D action figure on a computer. This way, children can battle each other’s virtual characters on a computer screen.

And look out for AR in your mobile phone soon. Apparently, “In 2010 every blockbuster movie is going to have a mobile AR campaign tied to it.” Mobile treasure hunts linked to the latest movie when walking around a city?

Future? Glasses or mobile phones that constantly alert you to your surroundings by using pre-loaded data or downloading augmented data as you move through real reality. Go shopping, wander past people and see their facebook profile as you pass them, have animations spring to life and alert you to offers as you pass that aisle, the uses are endless. (Here's a great youtube app demo - available now. if you live in Amsterdam that is)

I have only one question.

Will our brains be able to take this level of overload? For years we have been feeding ourselves an abusive mixture of pesticide and additives in our food and we wonder why kids are larger, why cancer and other invasive disease rates are higher, why stress levels and associated medical conditions are costing us our future. Crime rates on the person higher than ever before.


While all this technology is leaping forward and we 'interact' with it in ever newer ways I can't help but notice that as a society we now interact with each other less than ever before. We love our technology and twitter and facebook away to lots of online contacts daily, but how many of us really take time out to be with other humans, to interact with people rather than 'contacts'. If we did more of that it's my belief that we'd be a better society for it.

And the ultimate question must be: What is Augmented Reality going to do to the one most important thing that regulates our body and health?

Asylum anyone?

BLACK STEEL IN THE HOUR OF CHAOS..

I got a (email) letter from the government (well Business Link anyway)
The other day
I opened and read it
It said they were suckers

They wanted to know..

Does Government Do Enough for YOUR Business?

..and then went on in a diatribe about the various forms of help we could possibly access through becoming members of the local Chamber of Commerce, booking a meeting with a Business Link advisor etc

Now, that's all well and good. But, another part of government - central government this time - has recently cheesed me off good and proper.

I use a lot of official data in my work. And I mean a lot. Like the other day when I tried to download a national dataset from a well known database and it stopped me telling me I couldn't carry on as I was asking for more than 1,000,000 cells of data. Oops. But I really did want the lot as I was mapping something across the entire UK at VERY high resolution!

Anyway.. I also needed to assemble some schools performance data and it would be easier if I had the latest dataset for the whole country - every single local authority area across 12 or so variables. Not a lot to ask for really (4,380 or so items or cells). I have the data in official Excel tables and a lot more besides for each year since 2000 as I have a friend in the central statistical office who helpfully and cheerily sends me the files. This year for some reason I forgot to ask for them in January when they were refreshed.

So, I browsed the usual website (Department for Culture Schools and Families is its name this month - the government may well decide to change it soon.. they do that you know! gives em something to do and creates new linkages between 'joined up government'). The dataset was not there - unhelpfully the only schools data anyone can get to is individual schools or individual Local Education Authority areas.. not useful if you are working on a national level unless you have a full day and nothing to do but transcribe numbers between web pages and Excel!? Which I am assuming nobody does?

I called DCSF direct. I say direct. But what I mean is I called the company that holds the contract to disseminate DCSF data. Prolog they're called. Unhelpful is not the word. After the fourth call back (first time I was placed on hold for 23 minutes and decided enough was enough, second I got cut off and third the woman was very bad mannered and told me she didn't know what I was going on abarrrrt.. with a long East Midlands drawl of an accent) was told by a very young contact centre agent that the data I wanted didn't exist..


Now I know it exists given that I have it for every year since 2000 and have been using it professionally since around 1994!

I blasted off a request on the Prolog website detailing what it is I wanted.

I got the auto-response saying it was being dealt with after a few hours.

I got a second one saying it was still being dealt with after three days.


I then got another response saying they had dealt with it. They had forwarded my request to another (this time government) department and I should get a response within 15 days. Note should not would?

15 f*king DAYS!!! I am in the real world here people. The private sector. The world where a report takes a few days to write and clients need it to use in their real world decisions. 15 days is just ridiculous!

So, I am still waiting for the response.. Approaching 10 days now.

Lucky I have the intelligence to use the telephone and call that friend in the central department that do know what they're doing. She emailed me the full national tables (all 24 of 'em) within the hour on the day when I was told they didn't exist..

Is this government doing enough for my business?

You decide.

T

A very long time ago now I knew a girl called T. She went to the same school in fact. Not in my usual group of friends. Not in my form. I cannot even remember now how the following happened. But it did. And in some ways I'm glad it did - all of life's experiences make you what you are after all. In another way it left a stale odour. Read on.

I was about 15, in what I call 5th year and what is now referred to as Year 12. Or something. In fact, I'm still confused by the new school year naming system even given that I have my own son who is - i think - in year 8.

Anyway.. I was out and about in my town with a friend of mine. A seaside town so I was probably hanging around at the arcades? Not a wild guess given that I spent most of my evenings down there. So, arcades it is as the backdrop. I trust you are confortable with that? I met a few girls from my school that I knew - one shared the same form as T and we had been boyfriend/girlfriend for a while in the summer between 3rd and 4th year. J - who we might just visit at a later date in my 'blog series of girls I've known' - but who must be thought of as J1 since there have been a few J's - introduced me to T. Nothing odd there. Seemed pretty nice as a person. Not really my type, certainly not particularly attractive as a 15 year old girl goes, but I wasn't fishing for anything in particular. One thing led to another and I arranged to meet her the next evening. The often repeated ritual of a boy sneaking round to her neighbours house where she was babysitting..

Jilted John comes to mind Going Steady. The lyrics include:

On Wednesday Sharon goes babysitting
For her mum's friend Mrs Higgins
I go with her to watch telly
The kids are horrible and the house is dead smelly
But it's all worth it 'cause when they've gone to bed
We start snogging on the sofa

So, there we were. Smelly house. Kids nowhere to be heard. And T makes the first move. I had been told she was a bit of a one. I discounted all the rumours as a good boy should. Fool. She was very forward for my previous experience - but I got the idea quickly enough. Big tits she had. I remember them well as they were probably the first truly big ones I'd experienced. They may have been the first I had experienced? I was nearly 15 after all.

Only thing was she had terrible BO. Now all my best friends at the time had been quick to tell me that she was a bit of a goer, bit of a sl*g some said, but nobody told me I needed to bring a fucking gas mask? She really did have a problem in the underarm area and I couldn't really get into it at all. This being the 80s and us being still kids deodorant wasn't in massive supply I guess. I remember making some lame excuse after an hour or so of holding my breath and diving into romantic embraces.

Evening over as quick as it was arranged I'm afraid.

Now the funny thing is that T and I spoke no more from that day on. Do you blame her? I can barely remember her at school to be honest. No shared lessons and certainly very few mutual friends. I didn't feel guilty. I'm sure it didn't change her life either.

What the hell is interesting about that you cry? Well, some years after I left school a friend of a friend (honest) updated me on Ts progress. Only seems this girl had bizarrely travelled the waters from England and found herself in Los Angeles - by what route I know not. San Bernadino valley to be exact. And she was now, whilst we were all toiling away in the usual range of jobs and signing on as early 20-somethings, a pretty popular (I am guessing not so pretty still? though the ugly ones at school do tend to turn out ok in the end?) porn star of some repute. Fuck me. Not just one or two bit parts either. A real life proper 'name in big font size' porn star! Retired now I suspect. And I hope still healthy for it all - of mind and body. Turns out I had a chance at a minor walk on part in a real life porn film of sorts and I let a bit of a stink come between me and my smalltown teenage fame?

But the obvious question does arise.. What the hell did she do about that BO problem in LA of all places. I've been a few times and it isn't really the sort of place you flock to if you have a problem with sweating in hot weather! Plus it's not like she chose a career where she could hide it? I've seen one or two scenes (in the interests of research.. honest..) and the blokes don't seem to be too bothered!

I will not divulge her real name - that wouldn't be on - but what a strange and bizarre life for a girl from a nondescript town in the middle of the North East-ish of the UK. My school really did turn out some freaks. And I'm clearly not the only one!

Maybe next time I go to LA I'll try and look T up.. if only to see if that smells gone?

C

I used to know a girl called C in what I like to refer to as my formation years. Where I grew up people were formed rather than grew up. It wasn't a tough place by todays Johnny Too Bad stabbing and robbing standards but it was cold, windy and you could get a right good kicking if you were unlucky. I was mostly lucky most of the time.

Anyway, C was not the prettiest girl on the block by a long way but made up for it by wearing skimpy mini dresses, being very slim, having long legs and the largest tits you can ever imagine being squeezed into 1 and a bit square metres of clingy stretchy cotton tube dress (it was the 80s).

She was one of life's enigmas, people used to stop their conversations when she walked in and follow her every movement. Well, I say people, I mean mostly blokes of course. Not so much an enigma as a bit of alright.

I used to know her quite well and for some reason she took to me as a confidante. One of my first lessons in patience and playing a long game in life. Only the game went on and on and we were alas only ever friends and nothing more. She had a pretty rough upbringing, lived between two parents who lived on the roughtest estate in the town and the roughest estate closest to the docks in the town. Being from a split home in those days wasn't that common. Which added to the roughness i guess. And to top it all off her dad was a complete psycho who when he'd had a few drinks used to follow her around town and beat people up if they were speaking to her. In short a former seaman turned cunt. She loved him all the same.

I saw her recently. A year or so ago when I was back in my home town for some occasion. She hadn't changed a bit in the way that I haven't changed a bit even though I have shorter hair, less of it, am unable to run miles and miles effortlessly and am in one sense generally a former shadow of my then forming physical self. But hey! I'm a towering giant against that thin personality of a kid I used to be, right?

I recall one conversation clearly to this day. C was telling me about her latest conquest in a long line of men who she'd slept with. She seemed to hate them all as soon as the sex was over. She just did it to gain instant respect. Love you might call it. Confusion was probably more to the point. Once or twice in the past I've thought about her and wondered if she ever did take her time with someone, get to know them before advancing things further and have what most people have in life - at least once or twice anyway - a true loving relationship. I hope so.

Either way, I bet she's still got those gorgeous tits and looks great in a mini-dress.

Forgive me, I am a man after all.

POLKO.. WINNER!!

I just got back from an afternoon trip to the village Post Office, rudely interrupted by a pint of wheatbeer in my local pub too. Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Whilst there I bought a copy of a classic car magazine, to while away the minutes drinking my beer.. honest.. that and the fact I am a bit of a classic car enthusiast to say the least (well, I own one so that counts towards a lot!)

Jovially chatting to my partner whilst sat enjoying aforementioned beer I invented a new pub drinking game. Ingredients: set of friends around a table, one drink (each - unless that is you are very strapped for cash), a classic car magazine and a dollop of imagination. All not too hard to come by (except, for some people, the latter).

Now, invent an imaginary lottery winner budget to spend on a car or cars and get leafing through the copy of the magazine with imagination running wild. What would you buy?

I was set a budget of £33,300.

Here's my choice:


Let's just take an imaginary walk through of my new garage shall we? I must first add the caveat that I already have a 1962 Daimler SP250, in my opinion the finest British sportscar to come out of the 60s (but then I'm biased - me and everybody else that has sat in it and heard that V8 engiune roar!). So, really, I am a very hard man to please and this would simply be icing on an already tasty cake.

First up is a maroon 3.4 litre Jaguar S Type. Made in the year I was born, in possibly the best colour for this car (but see later!). This is an entirely useable car that if you won the lottery you could quite happily drive the length of the country's motorways - even in the depth of the winter - to meetings in. Perfect.

Second up. Yet another 60s Jaguar saloon. An earlier Mk 2 this time. Reason? I just love the shape and this is the smaller engined 2.6 litre that would happily receive a 2.5 litre Daimler V8 engine in the bay (same engine as my SP250 sportscar but mated to a stronger gearbox). Light blue with a dark blue leather interior. And this currently for sale vehicle is a one owner, full service history, all logbooks etc!! Ministry of Defence car - basically had everything done as and when it needed it, very very low mielage for less than any medium sized brand new car. You've got to be joking. Perfect x 2.

Oh look, I've only spent £26,945.

Car number thr33. An early 1980s classic executive coupe. Opel Monza 3.0 litre, this one in a sexy dark metallic grey (way ahead of the trend for such colours in the late 90s) and at 42,000 with less miles on the clock than either of my two usual (much newer) road vehicles? I have fond memories of an old friend of mine from schooldays whose dad had one of these and we drove to Devon one summer in complete luxury - against my own dad owning a very luxurious Rover SD1at the same time. And all with two doors and a slinky coupe back! £3,950. Done.
Perfect x 3.

Last but very much not least I find myself with £2,405 to spend. A punt I must admit, but I would also have a Morris Oxford Series III. Though with only a couple of grand left I'd have to stump for this complete restoration wreck of a car with hours more to work on it.. but I can't honestly think of a better car to plonk my son in the passengers seat and drive to the local newspaper shop on a Saturday morning for the FT Weekend, parking outside the village coffee/ice cream shop and watching people admire such a great British legend. These - as Human League might say - are the Things That Dreams Are Made Of... I even have £455 quid left over for more wheatbeer (or maybe in a fit of madness and desperation 455 lottery tickets this weekend?).

..and all the time while writing this blog I've been listening to The Stone Roses drifitng up from down below singing Made of Stone, "sometimes Iiiii.i.i. fantasise..."

Perfect x 5

M

I used to know this girl. I've not seen her for about 20 years and nobody I know (except possibly a few people on my facebook account?) now has ever had anything to do with her so it's probably safe enough to talk about her in the way that I'm about to. I'll just refer to her as M to be on the safe side.

A little bag of skin and bone she was, all wrapped up in a nervous ball of cigarettes and joints really. Strange creature. Highly intelligent with a very good degree from the right London College but a right snobby little thing. Not my type. I don't know why I got involved. But I did. And it was fun while it lasted. Which wasn't very long in the scheme of things.

And then 20 years on I woke up thinking about her in the middle of the night for absolutely no apparent reason.

Anyway, she was as thin as a thin thing then. Only when she took off her top one night I got a bit of a shock as she had these huge tits. Where she managed to tuck them away in the daytime I will never know. One of life's fashion secrets. The only trouble was that even with her being only in her early twenties gravity should not have been exerting such a force on those things. They were my first and last experience of saggy breasts and I must say I'm happy about that. What do you do with something that doesn't obey the usual laws of physics and seems to slip through your fingers rather than sit in them?

Twenty years go by and we all inevitably change. She's probably married and had kids. Filled out a bit by now. Probably stopped smoking. And filled out a bit more. I bet those tits are massive these days?

POLKO'S BOWL...

...is full of Fudge